Amazing Swami Facts

Swami Beyondananda – Some Truly Amazing Facts

Swami’s Early Childhood

Believe it or not, Swami grew up in a Methodist family in Oklahoma. Actually his father was Methodist, his mother Catholic so technically he was a Rhythm-Methodist.

He was very evolved as a child. He quickly mastered toilet training, going on to advanced toilet training – where he actually trained his toilet to flush on command.

As a child, he would spontaneously go into intricate yoga poses. By the time he got into Boy Scouts, he could tie himself into twelve different knots, thus earning the nickname “Yogi From Muskogee.”

His parents, realizing he needed specific spiritual guidance, took him to study with the most advanced spiritual teacher in Oklahoma, the great Native American shaman, Broken Wind who taught a technique called Gastral Projection. A mischievous child, young Swami would often sneak up on his teacher during meditation, grab him from behind and perform a version of the Heimlich maneuver. This happened several times until one day, true to his name, Broken Wind gastrally projected young Swami across the room. That day, Swami learned two valuable lessons from his master:

1. Master-baiting is detrimental to your health.
2. Don’t squeeze the shaman.

Swami’s Young Adulthood

During the years Swami was trying to find himself, he had many odd jobs. (Being odd made him particularly suited for this work):

  • He worked briefly for the phone company, telling the time on the night shift. When he realized that it is always NOW, he felt compelled to quit.
  • He worked as a census taker, but quit because he hated asking embarrassing questions like, “List all members of your family broken down by sex.” (“Broken down by sex, broken down by drink,” the Swami recalls, “either way, none of my business.”)
  • He even sold vacuum cleaners, but had to quit when he gave up all attachments. (“Vacuum cleaners without attachments?” he explains. “They simply suck.”)
  • He finally did find himself and achieved self-realization. He simply looked in the mirror one day, and realized, “Wow. That’s me!” And it was shortly thereafter that he found himself – right where he left himself in the first place. (“Isn’t it funny how it’s always the last place we look?”)

Swami Gets Struck By Enlightening

“The wise ones have said, ‘There’s a seeker born every minute, and two to take him along the path.’ And I was indeed a seeker of wisdom. In fact, I had tried so many spiritual paths that I was pathological. I had expanded my mind so much I could no longer fit through my door, and I finally ended up going to a shrink. But all the head shrinking in the world couldn’t expand my heart. One night I was in serious pursuit of joy, when I caught a glimpse of my grim face in the mirror. I couldn’t help it. I just burst our laughing, was struck by enlightening, and I achieved a moment of fool-realization – I realized I was a fool, and there was nothing left to do but laugh in my own face. And since that time, I have been practicing FUNdamentalism – accent on FUN.”

Shortly thereafter, he met his guru Harry Cohen Baba, “The Garment Center Saint.” He accompanied the latter to the mountains (OK, the Catskill Mountains), and earned a coveted black belt in Borscht Belt.

More Amazing Facts About Swami Beyondananda

√ Swami Beyondananda has clocked more than 100,000 hours cruising the higher planes.

√ In his storied career, Swami has taught both karma driving and dogma training.

√ Swami opened the first soft cloth karma wash in New York City under the banner, “We repair souls … and we even re-soul heels.”

√ Swami resides in a state of peaceful balance between mindful mindlessness and mindless mindfulness. (“I knew enough to know I didn’t know much, but not enough to know how much I didn’t know.”)

√ As an absurdified Foo Ling Master over many, many lifetimes, he trails just Buddha and Jesus in the Akashic record books in Souls Batted In.

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